It’s a new day and today has really not been any better than yesterday but I expected that. I intended on working out today and hoped I would be finished by now but that isn’t the case. I’m still going to try and get it done because I know it can help so much. I need to try and stay busy because sitting around thinking and crying all day is hard on my head, my eyeballs and the glands in my neck. At least I think that’s what’s hurting right now from crying so much?
The hardest part about today is that it’s my first day home alone and without Diesel. Of course I’ve been missing him but reality really set in when I went to take a nap today (after only getting about 3 hours of sleep last night) and I was all alone. Diesel would never fail to follow me up the stairs any time I went up them. If I were to go up there to pee, he’d be up there by the time I was finished, if not before, barging in with his face. If I’m in my room, he’ll pause by the doorway to see if I’m in there and then proceed to come around to my side of the bed to lie down. He would either lay there for awhile or go back to the foot of the bed where his bed was, but it was always like he’d come over to see me first. So then I would reach down and pat his head to let him know I was there and then he’d decide where he was going to lay down.
I know the stairs were getting hard for him to climb but he continued to follow me around getting slower and slower over the past couple of years – especially over the last six months. Yet he persisted. Because of his size and huge paws, we could always hear him walking around the house or going up and down the stairs and now nothing. I go upstairs and end up there alone which has never happened in this house, ever. Until now. It’s like a new normal I have to get used to and it feels so lonely. Any other time I would be in my room having a hard time about something, Diesel was always there. Now I go there and get sad because he isn’t there. Of course we still have our Zuki and Bella too. I think they are beginning to understand the loss of Diesel too.
(Zuki hanging out on the couch with me today)
Zuki would usually follow Diesel up the stairs to see what I was doing, but Diesel always led the way. Today, it’s just me going up the stairs. I still wait for the sounds of Diesel slowly creeping up the stairs and then letting out a loud snort or sigh as he walks into our room but it’s non-existent now. Sometimes I think I can hear him, but he isn’t really there. The silence is deafening. I slept with the fan on last night like I always do and all I heard was silence because I couldn’t hear Diesel snoring like every other night. His lack of snores was a constant reminder that he wasn’t there.
I know missing Diesel will get easier with time but I miss him so much right now that it hurts. I’ve never felt heartbreak like this. The last time I felt anything like it was when my grandma passed away a week before my birthday in 2006. I wouldn’t say either loss hurt more than the other, they’re just different and equally difficult to navigate.
I have absolutely no appetite. I had Peanut Butter M&M’s and coffee for breakfast today. Yesterday for breakfast I had like 15 potato chips with some veggie dip. For lunch I had about 10 ranch tortilla chips and a mixed cocktail of vodka and Liquid Ice. Great, right? Dinner was a little better. I had half of a homemade chicken parmesan hoagie and some tator tots. Total comfort food. I’m hoping today I can get a good lunch in so that I’m strong enough to at least attempt a workout. If I can get that far, I’ll be good.
I share all of this here because writing has always been my therapy. Right now it hurts to talk about him. I can’t say his name out loud yet without my voice cracking and tears falling, but I know it helps me to write out my feelings, especially when they are really intense like they are now. It helps me process the experience and begin to work through it.
All I can hope is that Diesel knows how much he was loved and I think he might’ve known given the fact that he followed Roger and I around everywhere. I miss him following me so much. I think part of the reason it’s so hard to lose pets is because #1 they’re family and #2 they’re fiercely loyal; always there for us. After being around them day after day and taking care of them and them helping to take care of you, their absence is so hard.
Anyway, I’m going to eat a good lunch and give a workout a shot. After all that I’m going to sit down and think about what I’d like to accomplish in 2015 to get my mind moving forward for a little bit. :)
I hope you’re having a fabulous Tuesday and I hope it’s warmer where you are too!