Hello. Happy Friday morning to you! I hope you’re having a good start to the day so far. Again, in light of recent events this isn’t going to be one of those super upbeat posts, more like honest, raw feelings about the passing of a family member. So, if you’d like, I invite you to use the navigation bar above for other helpful, informative, motivating or encouraging reads. :)
My grand plans for the weekend are to catch up on housework and try to get back to a somewhat normal life again. Or at least a new normal? This has been a rough week and that is a ginormous understatement. The passing of my stepfather (who was a huge part of my childhood before he and my mom divorced in my early 20’s..so does that make him my former stepfather? I never thought so.) passed away on Tuesday at the age of 47. I haven’t felt like doing much of anything. I have apologized to the kids so many times this week because I just haven’t been myself AT ALL. I’ve been in my room alone behind closed doors for hours at a time just trying to cope. I visited my mom and sisters yesterday and we laughed and cried over old family photos and that was very comforting and good for us all I think. I’m still very much in shock at his passing as I’m sure everyone else who knew him is too.
It can be expected that I don’t have a Friday Favorites post to share today. Memories of Mike have been making me smile this week but I’ve been too upset to even try to put a blog post together about that. I do think I might give it a shot when I feel ready. His memorial is scheduled for next Saturday so I’m looking forward to being wrapped up with family during that time. Mourning his loss has been incredibly difficult but having my mom and siblings around and then having his family around brings comfort. My youngest sister and my brother lost their dad and that breaks my heart for them.
There’s just so many different things to process right now I can’t even think straight. I apologize if this post is a jumbled mess of words and sentences. I feel angry, sad, confused, hopeful, weary, thankful, appreciative and depressed all at the same time. I know the only thing you can do in times like this is just go through them. There’s no shortcut. You have to let yourself feel what you feel and know that as the time passes, it will get easier. I thought that about Diesel too. Then just when I started to finally get my head above water regarding his passing, our family gets news that Mike had passed so it’s starting all over again but it’s such a different kind of pain and loss this time.
Losing a parent leaves a huge hole. Growing up, I remember Mike being very protective of all of us kids and his family. I think he was protective of everyone he knew and liked. Even though our relationship was closest during my childhood, his passing feels like I’ve got one less soldier fighting for me.
On New Years Eve 2014 (this past New Years Eve) I posted a family picture on Facebook and captioned it with, “So excited for an odd year! ;)” (because I like odd numbers) And as soon as I posted it I instantly thought, “Oh no, I shouldn’t have done that.” It was a very cryptic, kind of superstitious feeling but it stayed with me. Five days later our bulldog died. Now three months later, my stepdad has passed. This isn’t to say these things wouldn’t have happened anyway, but it sure would be nice to go back and word that post differently and find out. Then I’d also have another chance with the ones I’ve lost and I think that’s what I’d love to have most.
But even then would that be enough?
I’m hoping to get back into some kind of workout schedule next week but for now, I’m not too worried about it. Lack of sleep and a crappy appetite definitely aren’t helping. I’m going to take some time to pray and reflect.
I promise next week will be better!
Thanks for reading…