Feeling Strong is Fleeting

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Some days you feel strong and other days you’re seconds from falling apart. Today is the latter.

Usually working out is enough.

Usually working out on top of taking my Lexapro helps even more.

Not the case today.

I don’t know what can make a person go from feeling so strong to feeling pathetically weak.

Kind of feels like maybe I’ve been strong too long and it’s time to release the pain through my eyes by way of tears. I normally keep my sad entries private but this is a real look into my depressed brain today. It never seems to completely go away. Ever.

  • Workouts are going great.
  • Eating is going great too.

It’s like my brain refuses to respond nicely!

So, I just listen to music, cry until no more tears come out and then I’m usually better for awhile again.

This is one of my favorites:

It’s sung by Abbey Russell who went missing from Stillwater, MN and was found deceased in a nearby river from apparent drowning.

I love her soul. And I’m sad her life was cut short.

 

Here’s another recent favorite of mine:

They say don’t let them in.
Close your eyes and clear your thoughts again.
When I’m all alone, they show up on their own.

Cause inner demons fight their battles with fire.
Inner demons don’t play by the rules.
They say just push them down, just fight them harder.
Why would you give up on it so soon?
So angels, angels please just keep on fighting.
Angels don’t give up on me today.
The demons they are there; they keep on fighting.
Cause inner demons just wont go away.
So angels please, hear my prayer.
Life is pain, lifes not fair.
So angels please; please stay here.
Take the pain; take the fear.

They say it wont be hard; they cant see the battles in my heart
But when I turn away
The demons seem to stay
Cause inner demons don’t play well with angels.
They cheat and lie and steal and break and bruise.
Angels please protect me from these rebels.
This is a battle I don’t want to lose.
So angels, angels please just keep on fighting.
Angels don’t give up on me today.
Cause the demons they are there; they keep on fighting.
Cause Inner demons just wont go away.

Angels, angels please keep on fighting. Keep on fighting.
Angels don’t give up on me today.
Cause the demons; they are there.
They keep on fighting.
Inner demons just wont go away.

So angels please, hear my prayer.
Life is pain; lifes not fair.
So angels please; please stay here.
Take the pain; take the fear.

 

The anniversary of my sexual assault is approaching and I have no doubt it has something to do with this. Happens every year. It’s insane to me how I can fall apart like this without even thinking about it. It’s like my subconscious will never let me forget – it always remembers right on time, even if I’m not thinking about it.

I guess this is a reminder that depression is going to be something that I’ll always be fighting.

Why can’t it understand I’m tired.

So, so tired.

I guess it’s time to work on my spirit. It can be taken away so fast and so easy but it’s a lifelong struggle to keep it full and not broken.

I guess that’s true of everyone though.

Always pushing,

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My name is Mindi and I'm an office manager and blogger living in Minnesota with my husband and our blended family of four children. Thank you for visiting Lifting Makes Me Happy! I fight depression and anxiety with healthy living and writing. I hope you are encouraged and motivated by the things I share here. I appreciate you stopping by!

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